Understanding Trauma: A Path to Healthier Relationships

Hi! And welcome back to the blog. If you haven't, check out part 1 of our Trauma series. I define trauma and discuss how it affects the brain and body. There’s a ton of good information there that I broke down for you, so don’t miss it! It’s the foundation for the information we cover in the rest of the blogs.

But today, for part 2, I want to talk about how trauma is not happening in a vacuum. In fact, if it weren’t for encounters with other beings, we might not ever experience trauma. (Kind of gives a new emphasis to Sartre’s “Hell is other people” line, doesn’t it?)

So let’s get into how trauma is relational. I hope you can hear already that it’s not your fault. Your trauma didn’t happen because of you. There’s more at play.

ATTACHMENT THEORY AND TRAUMA

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, tells us that attachment begins at birth with our primary caregiver. This bond is crucial for our sense of safety and confidence in life. Attachment theory says that humans need emotional bonds. When we meet these needs, we feel secure. If not, our anxiety increases. This affects our worldview and the types of attachments we create throughout life.

Much of this happens in the first year of life. We’ve worked hard to move past the idea that parents ruin their kids for life. I mean, no pressure, right? The primary caretaker can be the mom, dad, grandparents, foster parents, or anyone else who can care for the child. In the first year of life, we build an attachment. This attachment shapes our feelings of safety in the world and with others. It also influences our self-image, whether negative or positive. Finally, it affects how we connect with people in relationships. Whew. Most of it stays unconscious. It shows in what we call the internal working model of attachment.

INTERNAL WORKING MODEL OF ATTACHMENT: A BIG NAME FOR WHAT THE F*CK IS HAPPENING INSIDE OF MY BRAIN

Our internal working model shapes how we form attachments. It influences our relationship with ourselves, the world, and others. These models affect childhood behavior and shape our relationships into adulthood (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). Take a look at this visual to get a better idea of an internal working model. 

What you see above shows a secure attachment. This type of bond forms with the main caregiver during the first year. The caregiver is sensitive to the baby’s needs. We will get into that more later, but what you need to know now is that that’s like, really important.

And now we get to dive into the evolutionary WHY.

HUMAN BABIES ARE LIKE, REALLY, REALLY NEEDY

Human babies are different from most animals. They need at least one parent to survive. They can't do much on their own. (Did you know that turtle moms have their babies then swim the f*ck away? Talk about a free life! So in perfect human form, what have we done? We’ve taken it upon ourselves to help the babies reach the sea. Of course we have, and why is that? If it seems like we are hard-wired to take care of things that seem helpless, well, it’s because we are.) Our brains connect with helpless newborn animals, especially humans. As caretakers, the reward sections of our brains light up when we see a baby smile, for example. Because of this dopamine reward, we want happy, secure babies. And in return, we get to take care of them 24/7 for a long, long time. You’d think this wouldn’t benefit us at all: I mean what a sh*tty return on investment!  But it turns out the oxytocin from their love is like, worth it. So what does this have to do with attachment? 

Babies rely on us for food and survival. To keep us engaged, they need to form an emotional bond with us. It’s not enough that we do our duty. Baby needs to make sure we aren’t going anywhere, so emotional attachment comes in. (Beginning to sound like a parasite? Yeah, um, sorry about that. But it is a symbiotic relationship in a lot of ways..).

THE POWER OF ADULTS IN SHAPING ATTACHMENT STYLES

Adults have a lot of control over what this emotional relationship looks like. Attachment is an emotional bond. It can lead to one of four types: secure, avoidant, anxious, or disorganized. The good news is also the bad news, that it’s really up to the adult on how this turns out. If you are ready to meet your baby's needs, your baby is likely to grow up with a healthy sense of self. They will feel secure with others and balance intimacy and independence well. Other factors play a role too, like the home environment and family relationships.

If the main caretaker can't understand the baby’s needs, problems may arise. Scientists have found three specific ways this can affect attachment. 

THE FOUR TYPES OF ATTACHMENT

We have four types of attachment options developed in the first year of life, as shown in the image above. 

I'll break it down for you. You deserve a bestie to guide you through this and give it to you straight. And because I love scenarios 🙂

Scenario one: 

SECURE ATTACHMENT

ADULT SCENARIO: Imagine that you and your significant other are in a fight. During the argument, you’re able to stay calm and listen to what they are saying. You don’t feel that they are attacking you personally, and you remain aware of your body and mind. You feel compassion for them as they talk. You get where they are coming from. After they finish talking, you speak in a calm manner. Say something like, “I understand why you feel that way.” Thank you for explaining it so well. I now understand the boundary that I crossed and will make sure to check in with you on how we are doing.” etc. etc. You sit and negotiate new boundaries that work for you both.  

Sensitive and attuned caretakers form secure attachment early in life. The parent who stops what they are doing to help you, the parent that is always taking care of your needs. The parent who provides emotional support and is attuned to the level of care you desire. 

CHILD SCENARIO: Imagine you are at a local playground and you witness a small child who bangs their knee. In a secure attachment style relationship, the parent would likely be aware of the child. They would understand the situation and rush to help. They would say comforting words and ooh and ahh over the injury. They might also rock the child in their lap to help soothe them. The child wouldn't cry for long. They probably feel safe, so they keep playing and exploring their surroundings. 

In this scenario, the parent attuned to the child’s needs and quickly took on the role of caretaker. Because of that, the child is able to feel safe not only with the parent, but also in the environment itself. The world itself is a safe place that the child can explore.

This child will likely grow up curious and feeling safe. They will have a strong sense of self. Also, they can be a stable partner who sets and keeps healthy boundaries. They may still feel upset sometimes, but they have a strong foundation of security and safety. This makes it less likely for them to react with fear, emotional dysregulation, or anxiety. Sounds great, right? 

Well, what happens if this goes haywire? Read on. 

Scenario two:

ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT 

ADULT SCENARIO: Imagine that you are in that same argument with your partner. Instead of feeling calm, your body is flooding with anxiety. You can’t pay attention to their words. Each one proves they don’t like you and will walk away. As they talk, you become more and more anxious and start thinking about what you can do to make them stay. Maybe there’s something you can do for them? You're really tired. Still, you could drive across town to get their favorite ice cream. They have that magnolia flavor there. But wait. What if while you’re gone they decide to leave you? Or they start cheating on you while you’re gone? Maybe they’ve been cheating on you all along; after all, you’re not worth being with. You’re lucky to have them at all… Does this train of thought sound familiar? Anxious attachment style means putting others' needs first. People with this style worry that their partner will leave if they don’t sacrifice their own needs. How does this develop between parent and child? Let’s look at that same kid at the playground.

CHILD SCENARIO: Picture yourself at the playground. You see a child crying. They hurt their knee. But now, the parent is distracted. They might be thinking about what to do for their partner at home. Or mom or dad is just tired of being a parent. For whatever reason, they ignore the child. The child cries louder. The parent ignores, or tells them to wait. The child feels confused. Just an hour ago, that same parent was helping them when they cried. They were picked up, soothed, and told that someone loved them. However, now the parent is in a different mood and refuses to soothe the child. This is confusing as f*ck for the kid. They feel anxious. They don’t know how to get their parent to pay attention all the time. This hot and cold love is unpredictable. It makes you feel anxious and always on edge. 

The child now sees their needs as less important than those of someone they care about. From now on, they are going to have to work REALLY HARD to get anyone to love them. The more their partner pulls away, the clingier and more desperate they become. They may feel self-deprecating and often cross their own boundaries. Sound familiar? 

But what happens if the parent NEVER orients toward the child and their needs? What happens to kids who get little to no emotional support from their parents? 

Scenario three:

DISMISSIVE/AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT

ADULT SCENARIO: You and your partner are arguing again. They’re trying to connect, but you feel distant. You now realize they are trying to make you feel what they want. As a result, you feel cold and closed off. You aren’t sure why you even ever got into a relationship to begin with; you were better off alone. You get up and leave the room, even though they are in the middle of a sentence. You grab your keys and take off to find a bar or some place social where you can flirt with someone or meet a friend. This emotional stuff is NOT for you.

Avoidant attachment is very independent. It often leads to shallow social relationships with little intimacy. They prefer independence to emotional attachment with others. How do they become so independent that they overlook basic human needs, like love and companionship? Let’s take a look.

CHILD SCENARIO: You’re back at the playground. The child hurts his knee. He whimpers. Looking up, you wait for him to cry, but his cry never comes. You wait for his parent to notice he’s hurt. They look up at the small sound he makes. “Suck it up, Junior." The child throws a small glance in their direction, then goes silent. The child is bleeding a bit; you go to offer the child a bandaid, but he looks down and won’t talk to you. He holds his knee in his hand, staring at the ground.

There was a time, before this child turned one, where he cried for his caretaker. But his parent wanted him to be independent, so they never came. His parent believes that the more independent the child is, the better. They feed, bathe, and give the child messages that reward independence. They might not show up for the child's needs. This child learned early that he cannot trust his caretaker. So, he thinks strangers and the world will let him down too. Everyone is broken except for him, and he can only rely on himself in this world. How tragic. Seriously, how tragic. And now we come to the most complex of all attachment styles. Why do I say that? Because it’s caused by fear. 

Scenario four:

DISORGANIZED/FEARFUL-AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT

ADULT SCENARIO: You’re in a fight with your partner. You feel scared of them and anxious they might leave you. Thoughts are flooding your mind, such as the concern that they might hit you without warning. Start screaming and rage? But along with that, you are feeling as if you just need to leave them. Maybe leave them before they can hurt you. You don’t really need them. But you do; you need to fix this before they hurt you. Maybe kill you. All you know is that you’re IN DANGER. Frozen, you don’t know what to do. This is no longer your partner. You're 2 years old, sitting in a dirty diaper on a cold floor. You're hungry and alone. Your dad is hurting your mom, holding her neck over the sink and threatening her. You aren’t safe. No one is safe. There’s no escape. 

As you can see, trauma defines Disorganized Attachment. It forms when an infant/child not only isn’t having their needs met but is also afraid. Fear is the main emotion in this attachment style. This attachment style may seem disorganized to others. A person can switch rapidly between feeling anxious and being avoidant. But at the core, the fear exists; fear that one cannot trust other people and fear that one cannot trust oneself. You can’t trust your emotions, as this style makes emotional regulation extremely hard.

I don’t think we need to go over the child scenario. That child at the playground likely wouldn't last more than 20 minutes. The parent would end up upset and yelling, while the child would be crying and scared, also screaming. If they ever took their child to a playground at all. 

HOW DO I WORK TOWARD SECURE ATTACHMENT? 

If you’ve made it this far, you likely know which attachment form you live with, and why. All insecure attachment styles may involve trauma. But that doesn’t mean you’re stuck in it forever. Remember in part 1 of this trauma series where I went over the neuroplasticity of the brain? That means our brains can change a lot. Trauma therapy can help with this. If you need help, reach out; you can contact us here. 

OTHER FORMS OF RELATIONAL TRAUMA

Attachment theory plays a major role in how we relate to ourselves and others. It also shapes our experiences of trauma. Yet, there are other types of relational trauma.

Relational trauma can involve several forms, such as:

• Abandonment

• Psychological abuse

• Betrayal

• Domestic violence

• Bullying

• Triangulation (involving a third person in an argument, often seen in families) Ask me how I know. 😣

• Enmeshment, which means no boundaries.

• Neglect and abuse. 

• 
  

Of course, these are only some of the long list of relational trauma. Trauma can happen when we interact with others in unkind ways. It depends on how involved we are, how we feel about ourselves, the other person, and our surroundings. Like attachment issues, these factors shape our experiences. Finally, please please reach out if you need help. There's no time like today to start healing. Stay tuned to part 3 of this blog series on trauma, where we explore all aspects of healing. See you soon, loves! 

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APA References:

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.